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Allie

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[31 Aug 2004|05:43pm]
So I am back at Goucher. It feels good but is exausting to have all of this stimulation and change shoved down my throat. I hate to state the obvious but I really miss Mike. I know I will see him again soon... slash in four weeks but its hard to have each night pass without having him physically there with me. Its hard as balls. I miss home, but I know that will change. Goucher will become the familiar and then I will be sad and feel weird to not be at school. I feel like I am always in limbo land. There is nothign constant besides my realtionship with the people around me... and even then who knows. I feel as though its going to be a good year. Hopefully I wont fail out, hopefully I will be asked to join the riding team and hopefully I will keep my realtionship with Mike strong.

I prob won't write for another year... haha junior year because I wont have time to think about anything but school work in a day. Peace and Love to all.
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[02 Feb 2004|11:01pm]
THAT NIGHT

That night
Phone clenched in my hands
Tears rolling down my cheeks
Sobbing into the sink
I said goodbye to you forever
I shut that door tightly behind me
I locked it and tossed the key
Put it some place never to be found

But the truth is I did look back
And now I have made it this far
Realizing I don’t need you
Now I never look back
Said I spread these wings and flew
To a height where you couldn’t ever reach me again
You will never make me cry again

Now you come slithering back
Hiding your intentions
Sometimes I feel like you are out to ruin me
You are selfish
Can’t be trusted
I see through your words
I try and ignore you
You are a place inside me that secretly urns to be forgotten

Can I ignore the tenderness that once filled me so?
Of course I can . . . because you tore me apart so.
My heart bled clean that night
You wrenched it from my chest

I grew another heart
A different one
One more equipped to weather the storms of love

Can we just forget it all?
Throw it away
Maybe boil it till it’s thin and light as air
Till it lifts from this heavy chest
Stop making me remember
I hate to remember
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[02 Feb 2004|04:20pm]
I am back at school again. Missing home but I am sure it will fade in no time... God college is hard/ stressing. I need to make more fun out of it. Maybe I will join this soroity where you do community service. Could be tite?
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[02 Feb 2004|04:14pm]
The rush of night upon my body
In my sheets I find ease
The jeweled snow glistening
Outside my windowpane
A plethora of diamonds spilt about the earth

Their boughs hanging low
With the weight of the world
Encased in Ice
Like crippled and jaded women
Their shadows like moving-ships along the pallid earth

Luminous windows break the gloom
Hair and eye lashes encased in pearls
Reflecting the glare of the ashen moon
The sharp numbness of my nose and ears
I can’t feel anymore
I want to feel more

Rushes of color and sound
AS I drown from this world
It’s heartbreaking
My heart is breaking
Beauty is distant
Yet this distance is beautiful

All the leaves have fallen
And I am barren
Greedy for contentment
Longing for that lush warmth
Let me caress your casing once more
Run my fingers over your supple flesh
Let flowers blossom and vines creep about my limbs
Their fragrance sweet and delicate
Let steam rise and sprinkle me with moisture

Morning delivers intense solitude
No dew to dry
Merely frigid air
Breaking this spell
Breaking open my shell

I am too spilt about the earth
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[08 Jan 2004|11:29am]
Wow it has been awhile.
Hey Rena I have never gotten a missed call from you I just checked my voicemail and I was like "WHEN DID RENA CALL?" Sorry girl!

Alright so break is kinda winding its way to be over. I am working at my moms office and I am finding it very dry and energy sucking. Right now I want to be at home in my bed / at the gym in the Sauna.
Last night was nice I got to see Rachel again for the first time in forever it seems. I hung out with Lauren doroty and mark and that was really nice. and saw Renee and Nora briefly.

I miss Mike, not just as a boyfriend but as a friend. I am going to Elon the 20th so I should just shut up and stop wining like a litle bitch.

Before I go I need to see Worku and all them.
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LOVE makeing a FOOL out of myself [18 Nov 2003|06:31pm]
Love making a fool out of myself while drunk.
This up coming weekend will be 100 percent sober I hope.
I think we are going ice skating Friday like 7 minutes from Goucher. Its tite.
I come home on monday because I have no class tuesday. Holla at that.
I miss home a lot and can't wait to get back and see everyone, have some forced fun and finally get me some lovin.
I have started to work out more... I am on my way to the gym in an hour or so... and then off to Spanish SI, then I have my Tv line up. One Tree Hill at 9 and Rich girls at 9 oclock and then Rich Girls. Holla at that show fo' really.
I got two essays re-done today and did a lot of my spanish work book. I feel acomplished. The only hard part is waking up tomorrow for Math. OUF I have been having a really hard time doing that and it drives me insane. Good times. Back to Spanish work. Must defeat Spanish!
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Actual 12 days till le vacacion! [13 Nov 2003|04:24pm]
I honestly just want to be home right now and to get away from Goucher (all the school work). I feel sooo swamped by it all. Spanish will be the death of me, I swear.
Oh yes, tomorrow, friday the 14th is the court hearing for the accident and I was called as a witness. Who knows what it will be like but I am kind of excited to see what is going to happen. I am sad Mike won't be able to come but hopefully Bryan will be there. Ugh, I have a feeling this guy will get off on his charges, fucker.
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[09 Nov 2003|10:09pm]
Please stop IMing me when you feel like it! I won't be mean and tell y ou I dont want you to IM me... actual fendation. I need sleep, too tired to deal with shit right now.
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Bring on the Rain [09 Nov 2003|09:49pm]
So I am avoiding doing work for my stupid race and ethinicity class cuz its so damn boring. Sunday has been very uneventful except for a conversation with Mike, which felt really good. I still have to give my essay a shape up. I am really looking forward to riding tomorrow, its always somethign to keep me grounded, haha keep me dirty. I get back my spanish test which I am a little worried about...ugh, and tuesdays i have to start going to thsi spanish supliment instruction. Ugh.. when will he just leave me alone.
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[09 Nov 2003|03:05am]
This weekend was really nice. It was sober which was important because I needed a clear head for getting information together for my essay and for writing it. On friday Alisa, Joanna and I went to the mall, looked at Engadgement rings, which felt really good for some reason. I guess its such a nice idea to think one day someone will be handing one to you and asking you to spend the rest of their lives with you. That has to be the happiest day of someones life. When we go to the movie it was sold out so we bought tickets for the later showing and then went across the street to this sex shop. It was SOOOOOOOO funny. They had every type of dildo imaginable, sexy outfits, stripper shoes, you want it they got it! Then we went next door to this palm reader. She told me that I am getting married at 25 to a lightish- brown haired guy and that we aren't getting divorced, that we are having two children, a boy and a girl and that I will be living a very stable and comfortable lifestyle. She told me my family has been having problems and that my sister wanted to be closer to me. She said that I would have a job that I got to use my imagination with. She said I was good at giving advice but when it came to me I was not so good at giving myself advice and knowing what the right thing to do is, however she thinks I eventually get to it. She told me I was a little impulsive and sometimes do things I regret. She said I was from a good hardworking family. She said that there were two men in my life, the one in the first relationship was not it (keenan) Which is damn good, and she doesn't really know about the next one...she said I will have to choose between the one in december and the one Ihave now. one she said was goin gto come into my life in december. The thing is I don't want another guy to come into my life. I want mike. I honestly don't know if I believe in this kinda stuff but I feel like if its true then it could be that i will be spending a lot of time with mike in december... who knows. Haha why am I letting a palm reader interfear with my life? It will be interesting to see if she is correct. After we got our palms read we went to Boarders and got something hot to drink, we talked and laughed and just had a good time, then we went to the sex section and read books on the kama sutra and stuff. After that we saw Elf. Good movie. Not great, but good, I thin I was getting bored at one point though. So predictable!

I dunno, something I wanted to note was acouple mornings ago I woke up feeling like I had been reborn. I dont know what thats about but it was a mazing. I felt like fresh air had been blown through out my body, from limb to limb, inch to inch. Like my body was so vast and expanded with the universe its self. I am truly greatful to be alive. Haha maybe my spirit in a past life died at this age. Who knows. My english teacher told me that she had a friend who went to goucher and that she died who I reminded her of, both physically and mentally. Which is really odd. Life is strange indeed. This is kinda creepy, but maybe I live in her dorm or her room or something, I wish I rememberd her name, cuz i know she told me it. .. It was katherine or sara or something.
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[15 Oct 2003|11:38am]
I am getting sick of these drunken friday nights. My mind is acheing for some culture and for exploring new places. Can I please force a trip to Baltimore. I would love to see where Poe lived!I would love to see the harbour again, maybe even go to a restraunt there... if i was rich i would see the baltimore aquarium. And that plantation house, I need to see that too. Ugh... I am soooo sick of drinking so damn much... I am not knocking it its good old fun but I need something new. I have been here for 2 months and I need a change of pace. I can only go for so long with being vapid.
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Actual in NEed of a break [15 Oct 2003|11:21am]
I hate sometimes that I feel like my life isn't in my control. I hate that feeling. Right now, this whole school thing is becoming too much. I just want to break free for a couple days, thank god mid sem break is coming up. I will finally be home for longer than an hour and be able to sleep in my house, haha and feel like I have a family. Its tite. I am going to get my hair cut, go shopping, see my girls, play with my doggy, walk up to savory and chill, check out ss and see how its developed and hopefully get some FAT CAMP in. I think I feel like I want to give up now b/c I feel like shit. Its no fun going day to day feeling like shit, knowing you have lots of junk to do. Aibye. I have riding soon adn hopefully I won't barf all over the place.
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I am sooooooooo cheezy [14 Oct 2003|06:40pm]
I am not only in love with this boy but I repect him and care for him as a human being. It is not only about lust. I feel like this is the type of person I want to share my life with. Someone I know will take care of me as much as I want to take care of them... someone who takes me for all that I am, faults and all. I am so greatful to have him in my life even though I don't even see him often.
Its PROBABLY TITE.
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Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble! [05 Oct 2003|01:31am]
Good Saturday NightFinal, I am sober.

Energy is bubbeling within me like a shaken soda!
I am so anxious I feel like I will jump out of my skin!

I simply cannot wait until next weekend.

I believe this one was uneventful for me but quite eventful for some of my hommies.

Tonight I watched a lot of TV and ate a lot of food, got my hair trimmed... even though you cannot tell. Anyways peace to you all!

Please tell me how thin the line is between fate and choice.
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[03 Oct 2003|01:23pm]
Last night I had the best dinner ever with Joanna and her family. Let me just tell you if you have a shit load of money to blow... go to the melting pot! They have the best customer service in the world. They didnt' have any sherry and Joannas Mom wanted some so they offered to run out and get her some. Its probably tite. Mike comes in a week... and then I have my vacation. Life is sweet but I am tired and my thoughts are taking me too deep into my head... today there might be a forced nap!
But hey yall... its FRIDAY... ouf and this is a special friday... two birthdays to celebrate = lots of drunken Goucher People... ouf... does the madness ever end:) ?
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[03 Oct 2003|01:20pm]
Because you let me go, I learned to let myself go.
Because you let me go, I learned to let myself grow.

Its a lesson well learned that
even Broken Hearts Will Mend...
everything will turn out right in the end.
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Peace. Love. Truth. Beauty. [25 Sep 2003|11:43am]
I am giving you all a task. Find beauty in everything. Let it be in the pimply boy sitting across from you in class, in the meal that is set before you, in the sky; even when it is gray, in yourself when you feel your worst, in your favorite persons eyes, in the face of a complete stranger, in the way the trees sway in the wind, the way the lights look against the night, the way the stars hardly peak out through the smog of suburbia, in a rock placed in your path, in the strange conincidences in life, maybe even in your sleep. Just know that right now, the moment you have is all that matters. Breath deep, just be thankful that your heart is pumping your blood, that your lungs take in the air that you simply exist. Because that is truly the simplest thing we have in common. We have an existance. For some it may be bleak, others full of comforts. The one thing we can treasure or that we all hope to treasure is the gift given to us... even if you don't believe in God, you can thank your parents for doing the nasty and hopefully caring enough for you to feed you. Alright bye... sappy allie has come to TAUNT YOU AALL! MUUUHHHHAAAHHHAHAHAHAH!!! Peace. Love. Truth. Beauty.
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[25 Sep 2003|08:13am]
Hold me now. Comfort my tempestuous head. I am probably the most confused and angry I have been in a long time. I don't understand how someone who once told you they hated you basically and didn't ever want to speak to you again can pop up and say hello as if it is nothing. And the sad part is I want it to be nothing. I feel like he died and to have him come back shocked me like someone rising from the dead. I atually shook. Its not like I have feelings toward him that are romantic or that I want to be with him. I feel like its the opposite. I spent so long forgetting him and then when i finally do and I move on he comes around again. I had finally found myself someplace as far away as I could be to him... yet so damn close. Thinking about it actrually brings tears to my eyes. He hurt me so much. I can actually feel the emotionas seeping from some regressed spot in my soul. Ouf.. deep emotions have been tapped for sure... maybe they need to leak out. Part of me Hates him. Part of me can't stand to have two Im sceans up... both being boys I have become more close with physically than any other creatures on thsi planent. One who I loved and one who I am in love with. tO me the two cannot exist in the same universe. I left Keenan miles back in the past... memories ago. Mike... he is my future, my memories to come. People probably wonder why I can't just be Keenans friend... but he was right from the beginning... you can't truly forget all that has been btw you, you cant become friends after being lovers. Maybe after a hhok up... or even after we both agreeed it wouldn't work out... but I swear when we broke up I thought I was going to die. I felt like I could, just to escape the intense pain I felt that night. I remember calling him and him screaming at me more than anyone in my life ever has. He told me he didn't want me to talk to him ever again. I hated him so much because I still loved him adn he didnt want me. Basically it was painful and I tried to not think of it... but it all comes back ... thast for sure. I feel this intense pain and I hate it cuz Its not validated or rational.
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[17 Sep 2003|08:53am]
Oh yeah,
I might go to Mexico from the 2nd of January to about the end of the month for some spanish thing. Could be tite... the only thing I am worried about is missing out on seeing a lot of people.
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To the store and Back [17 Sep 2003|08:43am]
Tonight I had a blast with Rena and Joanna. I love them both so much. We went to the grocery store and back... you would think this would be an ordinary uneventful trip but some how it was a shit load of fun. Joanna bought pants and I bought some unmentionables. It was probably tite. Rena also got (hollerd)-(lauren I know what you are thinking) at by a 9 year old. GO RENA, you hotty! Then another guy with a girl in the car stuck his head out the window VERY obviously, and yes he was in the passengers seat. We must have been loooking damn fine on that eventful towson nite. Let me just tell you , I love the grocery store and I am getting fat! FRESHMAN 15 fo-really.

I am also fucking pissed about this damn HURRICANE SHIT! FUCK IT! I want to go to NC to get some and to see my lover boy. That is all I am asking... so Mr. Hurricane... if you come... can you please just come do about no damage and leave by thursday night? Or how about you chill out on the water and NEVER come? Yeah. Thanks that would be great.

It is only 8:47 and I was invited by Joe to come and drink in some room with the soccer guys. Ouf... I don't know about this one... I am prolly going to say NO b/c I need sleep... I have a freaking 8:30 class and I don't really believe in partying on the week days... call me old fashion. I have a shit load of energy and if Rena didn't have her paper I would be bothering her right now.

PEACE ALL. HOPE LIFE IS TREATING YOU RIGHT.
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